i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor… but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)
That is quite literally not how attraction works.
As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.
It’s just how the brain works. If you love someone, they’re beautiful. End of story.
Throughout life, the things you find important change. This is true for more than just physical attraction and what you look for in a partner. I think a lot of people, attractive or not, pair up with people that don’t fit their ideas about what is gorgeous. Everybody who doesn’t die young is going to get old and wrinkly, so if you want a good life partner, you’re going to have to prioritize personality traits and common interests over physical attractiveness, otherwise you’re going to end up paired up with somebody who doesn’t do it for you.
they say looks are the first things to go. not great long term criteria.
Everybody who doesn’t die young is going to get old and wrinkly
I’m certainly not disagreeing with you, but let’s not overlook how protecting your skin from sun exposure can help as the years pile on.
I didn’t think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn’t going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.
The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you’re not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.
Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you’re older that’s what’s going to be there.
That all said, I’m not aware of anyone “settling” in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there’s really something there.
Of all the things you love about someone, looks shouldn’t even make the list.
“Settle down” is based in different criteria to “want to fuck”
Hearing avg looking person use the term settle down…
🤡🤡🤡
What is the mental condition for this? Main character syndrome?
what are you trying to say?
That people who think of themselves as settling
downlack maturity to be in a relationship.They are still in stage of their lives where they don’t understand that other people have their own lives and priorities
Do you mean settling or settling down?
Fucking great catch!!!
“Settling”
Apologies haha
If you don’t find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you’re physically repulsed by every night?
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
I’m not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
The vast majority of relationships will involve physical attraction and sex. It’s highly unusual for that to not be the case for allosexual people. That’s not a value judgement—if a minority of allo people find something else works for them, then that’s great. But if OP is asking if this is normal, then no it’s not. Even ‘less attractive’ people, as OP put it, find people they’re attracted to enough to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy and sex with.
Overcoming a lack of physical attraction is a pretty big barrier and I can’t see most people overcoming that barrier just to ‘settle down.’ Not being your physical ideal is one thing, most of us settle down with people who don’t look like models or actors, but finding someone physically unattractive is a tough sell in most cases.
I’m not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
I don’t think this only applies to ace people. Sometimes you just realize you can’t have everything, settle with someone “below your standards” in respect to that, and even if you sleep in the same bed, you don’t do anything with each other in that way.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can’t accept that, you are in danger of growing… hateful views. I don’t want to become such a person, and it’s clear that it’s not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
To be totally clear, yes, I’m not ace, I have the desire, but that’s just not how it works.There are still other benefits of having a partner, like not being lonely and sharing the costs of living.
To also respond to OP, I don’t know if this is “the solution”. This is better for everyone involved than the alternative where you grow to be a hateful person. But maybe you should reevaluate if you are really in such a situation as you think. Possibly you are right, possibly not.
Why are you with someone you don’t find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?
A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don’t they leave to find someone else?
In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it’s something no one else would understand because it’s between you two.
Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.
If you don’t love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.
It happens pretty often because physical attraction is just one facet of attraction - you can find someone extremely attractive but not for physical reasons… some people even have trouble processing physical attraction and identify as sapiosexual.
For me (a woman - averagely good looking not beautiful or ugly) physical attraction is a yes/no immediate screening by my scumbag subconscious brain and no guy has ever moved from the no bucket into the yes bucket, because to land in the “No” means looks bad enough I can’t get past it.
But no guy has ever been attractive to me based only on looks either. Looking better than ok really means nothing.
So not physically attractive? Sure, maybe. Literally physically unattractive to me? No.
Relatedly, I know someone who seems highly compatible but who I’m not attracted to at all. How would I even manage that? There’s no way I could hide it, even if that was justifiable, so how do you say “you’re almost physically repulsive to me, but I want to date you anyway” without being a dick? (I’m reasonably good looking myself)
I really wasn’t attracted to my now husband at all when we met. I remember also really disliking his smell (not BO, just regular pheromones or whatever).
11 years later we are extremely happily married and he’s sexy as fuck. His appearance hasn’t changed (except that he’s actually a little overweight now and looks a decade older) but every day he’s just hotter and hotter. Not like a “I just love him so much on the inside.” Like I genuinely perceive him to be extremely physically attractive (and equally good to smell) and look back on early days with complete confusion.
n=1 so grain of salt and whatnot, but I’d say if you’re vibing enough to make this a question worth asking then it’s probably worth giving it a shot to see if attraction develops
Edit: Please don’t actually tell them you’re not attracted to them though. That’s weird and unnecessary. You don’t need to lie either, just don’t comment on their appearance until/unless you start to notice those little things that have grown on you.
I guess, but like, what if I can’t get it up, when things progress that far? (The genders are reversed here) Or just am obviously hesitant?
I feel like that’s the worst time to have to explain.
Sounds like The Mirror Has Two Faces
If the movie is anything to go by, the secret will come out and there will be a fight but you’ll also fall in love and become attracted to them before the credits roll
Wait, which one is supposed to not be attractive? Haha.
Elle McPherson, obviously.
Please don’t do that to people you claim to love. How heartbreaking would it be to find out your partner doesn’t find you attractive. Horrible and selfish.
But that happens a lot doesn’t?
Well, what about people that aren’t attractive. Are they supposed to never have partners?
They’re not attractive to you. Everyone is attractive to someone.
Mentally, definitely. But we’re talking about physically here. Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans, or rather what isn’t attractive. Extreme mutilations and similar for example.
Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans,
I take your point, and I used to believe that, but I learned my view was pretty narrow, compared to the options/tastes expressed by the diverse people I’ve met, since.
They should date each other…
Why do unattractive people think they gonna jump above their lot. Some fuxking immature way of thinking lol
It ain’t settling if you are both fugly… Lol
To anyone who considers a good personality attractive, I’m guessing dating you would be considered scraping the bottom of the barrel.
We are talking about looks per OP’s prompt. There is nothing wrong with less attractive but you ain’t gonna “date up” unless you got something really going for you and even then vast majority of people end up with same looking person.
Either way, Is that supposed to be an insult?
Why is u hurt lol
I’m not personally insulted. I just think it’s incredibly shitty to treat dating like some kind of caste system where people “belong” at a certain level. I can see why you said you can’t “score” anyone that you view as more attractive when you view things that way.
You are clearly triggered and it is early caste system always has been
This how people been choose mates when they are given the choice.
You are not bringing any counter point either besides attempting to attack me lol
I can only speak for myself and my observations, but I don’t think it’s normal. It happens, but it’s uncommon. I think it’s more normal for people to have similarly attractive partners. Some people are cuter than others even at the same “level.”
Most of my girlfriends have been about the same level of attractiveness. I think I’m probably a 5 or 6 out of 10. If I lost weight and cleaned up I’d probably get to a 7, but that wouldn’t change my attraction to my wife. Maybe at that point it would look like I “settled”?
This happens on a timeline tho. They may have been variably attractive when they got together and just aged and there’s more incentive for either to maintain the status quo than cut each other loose
Also eye of the beholder. Nobody is inherently attractive, they just sometimes have more qualities embodied by the culture/society/species/individuals’ conventions of beauty and attractiveness
I think that assumes that a person’s attractiveness to a passive observer is equivalent to their attractiveness to their long-term partner. Someone who loves you probably thinks it’s cute when your hair is messy, for example.
If you fall out of love, yeah, maybe leave your boyfriend. But if you still love him despite his beer gut and bald patch, maybe that’s not a bad thing? Also, all relationships happen on a timeline, lol.
You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them
What about when you get older.
Personality, sharing hobbies etc is extremely important in the long run, way more than drooling about someone.
Sure, good/ok looks is important but that’s not all.
Women usually do that for social status, I mean, for women usually if there is money(specifically what money involves not exactly money as it) they don’t care about beauty.
As a man at least for me you need to learn to appreciate women beyond their beauty, you need to experience going out with ugly women as part of knowing about women. The 98% of women function exactly the same way if you get used to go out with ugly women you will learn to go out with beautiful women.
Think of beauty like something what will not last forever, the main point in women isn’t their beauty but other characteristics like support and followship
Beauty isn’t everything what matters in a relationship, there are other things what each role do which compliment each other.
Edit: I’m getting downvoted and maybe to oblivion because evidently there are people who know I’m saying the truth but they don’t like someone to do that.
