A few years back my sister passed away, I’m now the only child my parents have left. They live a few hours away and have for as long as I have been with my partner (7 years).
My parents are planning on moving to the place we now live to be closer to me. This has my partner worried that they will be over often or I will be over at their house more often. Her parents are very far away so can only visit once a year.
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week.
We are both pretty private people so not having anyone over is just how we are and this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
I am also fine with them not coming over often, I like it being just me and her but I do want my parents close when they have medical emergencies.
How do I approach this as currently she is a bit annoyed but taking a more “see how this pans out” attitude?
I don’t exactly want to jump the gun and talk to my parents ahead of time to make sure they don’t come over often because I don’t think they will and it might sour their relationship to her if they think she doesn’t want them over ever, even if I also don’t want them over often.
Before your parents go to great expense to move, have a sit down and talk with them about this. Make sure everyone involved knows what to expect beforehand.
If they move and things aren’t what they expect, it will sour everyone’s relationship much more
This was something I recommend fully, OP I had to do the same with my mother moving out. I forced her to think about hard questions like
-
What if we decide to move away (my partner and I)? Will you stay in your new home? Would you even be able to afford to move again? What if we left and you didn’t even like it there, after all we moved because we liked it.
-
What if you don’t like it? Is being near me enough to justify living somewhere you don’t like?
-
You will not be close to your friends and family anymore, which means missing some time critical things. (Think elderly family members, if we got the word it’s now a 5 hour flight plus a lot of driving). Are you sure you’re okay with that?
-
(Important for OP) You will not have a key to our place, and we will not have an open door policy. We do have our own lives and our own friends, and it won’t be like when I was growing up where you could see me whenever you wanted. You’ll still have to call and schedule time with us. Does that change how you view this?
Ultimately she decided she was okay with those, but OP come up with a list of these, and have the hard conversation.
-
This might sound crazy, but have you tried talking to your partner and parents? Just in case you know, you have some similar opinions or something. Not that I would know, I never talk to people.
I have talked with my parents and they have said they aren’t going to come over unannounced.
I am a private person likely because they are private people and the thought of showing up at someone house without being invited is very much something that never happened growing up. I only kinda accept my best friend doing it and he would still call an hour ahead of time to let me know he was in the area. Now he is a 6 hour drive away so he would probably give me more notice now.
I think she is worried because my mom and dad are grieving but I don’t think they are going to change their social courtesies because of it. They are moving closer because if something happens to my dad they don’t want me driving hours to get to see him like in the past.
I was worried about this with my “parents in law” and then it turned out to be pretty okay, with quite a bit of positive side-effects.
Lots of free, homemade food with a quick phone call.
Family is nice to have close. Yes, sometimes they are trash, but if they are good people, you will realise why people in more “family-based” countries are so much happier.
Look, I’m not a family-oriented person, but the following sentences strike me as strange:
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week […] this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
Why would your privacy suddenly vanish when they only visit once or twice a month? Lol. Agree with the comments who want more context; does she have issues with your family, etc.? Maybe you have two different views of your family that’s clashing. Just thought the abovementioned quote sounded weird.
Why is this partner of seven years just a partner and not a spouse?
I don’t have anything to add to help you, the other commenters already handled it.
However what I wanted to say, I’m each time baffled anew how people can’t just talk about their issues with each other. I’m glad I filtered out everyone not able to do that long ago.
Do people not like talking or spending time with family? Are you and spouse that isolated that you spending more time visiting your parents worries your partner? Unless parents are toxic, it would be nice to have family around. And as your parents age it is nice to ne able to be helpful to them amd check if they are OK
Yeah, I don’t understand either. Why isn’t he happy to be able to see his family more often? It is great news for when his parents age and when he will have kids
They taught OP how to use a spoon and wipe his bum, and he’s making it sound like it would be a chore to have a cup of tea with them.
I don’t get it either.
Talk with your partner and tell them you hear their concerns and they are valid. However, they need to understand that you have a need to be closer to your family or your family have a need to be closer to you. But that you will work with everyone to establish boundaries and you will make sure that they are respected so that everyone is happy.
Have this talk with your family as well and let them know that while you are happy to be closer, that you still need to have boundaries and that you hope they understand they need to respect them. When it happens it’s nothing personal that you just need your space.
If you communicate your needs like this I think it’ll work out for everyone
I wonder what’s missing from this story. Does your partner have actual issues with your parents? Or does she have with her own, and she’s projecting that?
Having some people around is a good thing I think. As long as they respect your boundaries.
I’ve got overbearing parents who believe they are owed attention and act belligerent when their expectations for it aren’t met. Is this the situation here?
Move further.
(Ï didn’t read the post)
From personal experience I see this as a red flag. If you are close with your family your partner should want to have a relationship with them too. Having them closer should be seen as a good thing.
deleted by creator
I’m sorry but I just don’t understand where you are at. I feel you are adopting this “I’m a very private person” label as an armor to close yourself off from a closer relationship with your family. I’m very much an introvert with my own internal world, and yet I feel people are probably the point of life. Relationships are not always comfortable, but I feel that discomfort is part of the fun-- to approach it with curiosity to see what happens and as a growth opportunity to see how you’ll practice communicating with the other person with openness and vulnerability. To me that’s way more fun and interesting than shutting down yourself and others with a priori rules.
I’m not really adopting this label. I’ve always been this way. I would always call and plan when I went to people’s houses as a kid. As an adult I would always book at least a week in advance when I wanted to hang out with people. I don’t just pop by, I plan in advance. We don’t have kids, it is just us two humans and two dogs, we like it this way.
My parents and I talk by text every other day and talk around once a week by phone. I think the only difference will be that I will go by once a week instead of the phone call.
