A couple of years ago I discovered my wife of 25 years was having an affair. I kicked her out and told her to go be with him (maybe that’s another AITA question). She asked what I would tell the kids, who at the time were 20 and 17 years old. I said I was going to tell them the truth. She pleaded, “please don’t tell the kids.” I said, “if you’re worried about what I’m going to say, you can tell them yourself.” And so she did. Pretty much right there and then, she told them the truth, packed up some things and left.

Ever since she has felt that it was wrong for me to make her tell the kids, or to tell them at all. From her perspective it’s none of their business. All they needed to know is that things broke down between us and we split up. They didn’t have a right to know why. It’s changed who she is in their minds, and it clearly has an impact on her relationship with them. They live with me, and mostly would rather not bother to see her anymore. They stay in touch with her and do things with her, but it’s clearly out of obligation (at least it’s clear to me)

I can imagine how completely crushing it must feel to know that your kids don’t want much to do with you. I feel bad for her, I really do. Yet, I believe the kids have a right to know why their lives were suddenly and completely changed out of the blue.

Am I wrong?

  • ColonelSanders@kbin.social
    2·
    2 years ago

    NTA. For one thing, if she left “suddenly” with no explanation, your kids are old enough to see right through that. Telling them “things broke down” wouldn’t explain why it would have been a very swift exit on her part unless something crazy happened. Second, allowing her to tell them herself was the smart thing to do because not only does it allow her to be the one to break it to them (and take responsibility), but it can’t be said then that you were trying to pit them against her or anything by telling lies because the truth came straight from the horse’s mouth. If she wishes that you hadn’t made her tell them, then it’s only because of sheer guilt that she has decided to try and project onto you as a form of defense. If she can’t understand that her actions have consequences for others around her and not just herself (by saying that it’s none of their business), then she probably wasn’t a very fit person to be parenting them anyway. Parents are people, too. They can make mistakes. But not owning up to those mistakes or being able to have the empathy needed to see how it impacts others is not something you want to pass down to your children.