A couple of years ago I discovered my wife of 25 years was having an affair. I kicked her out and told her to go be with him (maybe that’s another AITA question). She asked what I would tell the kids, who at the time were 20 and 17 years old. I said I was going to tell them the truth. She pleaded, “please don’t tell the kids.” I said, “if you’re worried about what I’m going to say, you can tell them yourself.” And so she did. Pretty much right there and then, she told them the truth, packed up some things and left.
Ever since she has felt that it was wrong for me to make her tell the kids, or to tell them at all. From her perspective it’s none of their business. All they needed to know is that things broke down between us and we split up. They didn’t have a right to know why. It’s changed who she is in their minds, and it clearly has an impact on her relationship with them. They live with me, and mostly would rather not bother to see her anymore. They stay in touch with her and do things with her, but it’s clearly out of obligation (at least it’s clear to me)
I can imagine how completely crushing it must feel to know that your kids don’t want much to do with you. I feel bad for her, I really do. Yet, I believe the kids have a right to know why their lives were suddenly and completely changed out of the blue.
Am I wrong?
NTA.
You said “she felt that it was wrong”. It didn’t feel wrong to start an affair though.
And she also said to tell the kids “things broke down”. Yes, they did, after she started having an affair.
If she amicably separated from you and then started to see other people, that’s a different story.
The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
I need to start using that at work
OK, but just be aware that the HR Dildo of Consequences is also spiky. And still unlubed.
Make sure you clean it first
NTA
The details of the affair aren’t their business, but the fact that it happened definitely is. She didn’t just betray you; she betrayed the entire family. You made the right choice. They were old enough to understand, and they deserved to know the truth. They deserved to know that their mother could have handled things differently, but was willing to destroy their family. Even divorcing instead of cheating would have been better. She’s just mad because her kids know what a piece of shit she is, and she’s taking it out on you.
My parents broke up because my mom cheated on my dad, and they never told me or my sister. We still knew about it, though, because we could easily hear what they were arguing about behind closed doors. The fact that she never told us only made us resent her more.
Thanks for that perspective, appreciate the response
NTA. If she didn’t want the kids to know she sucks, she shouldn’t have sucked.
Not the asshole. 20 and 17 are old enough to handle adult situations and information. If you didn’t tell them, they’d be left wondering.
And they’d probably never stop asking.
And wonder who the new man is whose around moms place…
Yeah, they’d wonder and ask for sure. Also, I believe that when they inevitably would learn about it, they’d be upset with me for withholding it from them
NTA. Not only are your kids adult enough to know why their parents got a divorce but they were also lied to by their mother and cheated on. Her not being able to acknowledge that has probably cause more damage to their relationship than her cheating.
Definitely not the asshole
A woman with a history of lies and deceit wants to continue her trend of lies and deceit. News at 11:00.
This comment seems unnecessarily toxic to women or is it just me?
I think the comment is deservedly hostile to liars and cheaters, and this one happened to be a woman. It’s really not toxic toward women in general as long you don’t associate lying and cheating with women.
How is it toxic to women…
Just you, as you know damn well that men are the stereotypical scapegoats for cheating.
NTA, but…
It’s clear your focus is on your kids, so IF you really want to mend that relationship a little, you might sit them down and remind them of all the love she gave them for the rest of their lives. They are at an age where it’s common to see things as very black and white, and they may not fully understand that a mistake made in the recent past doesn’t invalidate the good that came before it. Humans are ugly little creatures of grey, and everyone has made mistakes we wish we could take back; losing the kids might be the one thing she regrets in all this, and that should get across to the kids.
Don’t force them to spend time with her, but maybe remind them that she’s still the same mother they loved until they found out what she’d done.
Thanks for the well worded response. I tried to walk a line for the last two years between helping they stay connected with her, and not wanting to have anything to do with her. I wouldn’t force them, but I would do things all together “as a family” just to keep them spending some time together. I think it was easier for them if I was there as a buffer, and harder when they are just with her.
They were 17 and 20? No; had they been 10 and 13, maybe yes.
NTA. I would do EXACTLY what you did, man.
Things didnt break down.
She violated the covenant of your relationship. She betrayed you, and your children, and your children, at 17 and 20, are more than old enough to know why moms suddenly going away.
And they are more than old enough to decide they do not want a cheating asshole around that has already stabbed them in the back once, and will no doubt do it again.
You’re Ex-Wife is just angry she couldnt have her cake and eat it, too, by leaving to be with her precious beau while her kids were ignorant on the situation.
NTA.
I could see handling this differently if the kids were really young to avoid damaging their psyche. But with 17- and 20-year-olds, I feel like they have a right to know about the choices their mom made, so they can make their own choice on how to communicate with her.
It’s changed who she is in their minds, and it clearly has an impact on her relationship with them
Had you not been straight with them, this would have been your outcome too. And just like cheating, lying or distorting the truth eventually gets found out. There’s plenty that I’m sure who would get on here and indicate age as being the factor. Age plays a role for sure, but even if your children were 7 and 10, they deserve the truth albeit with less detail or more explaining depending on the child.
But there are very few people on this planet that you should strive to shoot straight with. Your children are part of that group. So is your spouse, which is why cheating hits so hard when it happens. So, you will do right to be straight with your children about the situation.
They stay in touch with her and do things with her, but it’s clearly out of obligation (at least it’s clear to me)
Remember that she’s the parent, she’s going to need to be the one who repairs the relationship. There’s no point in asking your children to be more adult than your former wife. Your children may be doing out of an obligation to maintain some semblance of normalcy, may be doing it out of respect for you and not knowing other means to show that. But your children are going to have the relationship with your former wife, that your former wife forms with them going forward. Relationship inertia is a thing and your former wife would be wise to use that to help repair the broken trust and the attempt to be deceitful with them. That inertia eventually will run out of steam and if your former wife spends too long fuming over the revelation, she’ll lose any grace she’s been given to help in the repair. Remember, your kids are smart enough to understand that mom wanted to “hide” this from them. That’s in their heads be it they say it or not.
I feel bad for her, I really do.
Then you would do well to remind her that she’s got to take control of this situation and earnestly repair this relationship with her children. If you do care still for her in some fashion, then reminding her she’s got repair the trust she has torched with her children and not attempt to hide from it. I don’t know your wife, but ultimately, whatever relationship she has with her children is exactly the one SHE CREATED.
I believe the kids have a right to know why their lives were suddenly and completely changed out of the blue
If you value your relationship with your children, you would do well to not lie or betray their trust. Especially now. It’s easy for them to become really jaded from this experience and see faults in all of their parents. It’s a popular idea that there’s the good parent and the bad parent, but there is parent A, parent B, and each child. You are all your own separate beings. Again relationship inertia has them “flock” to you at the time, but as this whole thing ages, it’ll start to take a personality of its own and affect how they see paternal relationships in general.
It’s good that you have empathy for your former wife and perhaps if you wish to help the relationship between your kids and their mother, you can share your empathy that you have as a guidance for your children. Best of luck.
Thank you so much. A lot of great points here. Thanks for taking the time
NTA. If she didn’t want her kids to see her that way she shouldn’t be that way.
NTA my mom and dad broke up around the same time, the situation was much worse because my dad had managed to serially cheat on my mom for a VERY long time. I didn’t really understand it too well at first because I’m an asexual but I was able to come to my own understanding of it after spending some time with my dad after and discovering how much of a narcissist he really is. He had managed to fool us all.
