My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re…
The Onion, if you’re reading this, you have to be prepared at a moment’s notice to publish a follow-up to this article, from the same author, which simply says, “I’m finally dead.”
“Thanks for waiting?”
Can that day be today? Pretty please?
That’s very generous. Frankly I’m surprised he is still alive with the shape he is in and his dietary habits.
You’re all deceiving yourselves. $20 says it’s Henry Kissinger all over again. But don’t worry, all your friends and family will keep dropping like flies. Maybe I should go to bed.
kissinger survives as a head in a jar for at least another thousand years.
Kinda funny this was written in 2013 and three short years later he became president. That’s like being told the shittiest person in your life is leaving town but instead they crash your car and win the lottery
Yeah, the bits about how we’d find his mental decline “by 2020” comforting were a bit too on the nose. Maybe we would’ve, if he wasn’t the goddamn president in 2020.
I hope it’s sooner, couldn’t happen to a man here in America more deserving
The only hope I have left is that it’s much, much sooner than that.
What a cruel world where Mr. Chandler Bong passes in his early 50’s and this insufferable bag of garbage and self-absorption is still with us.
That’s Ms. Chanandler Bong to you
