I drink too much. That’s a fact. I can’t sleep without chemicals, my insomnia and depression are facts. I just lie in bed replaying all my worst memories, same as when I’m awake but with nothing to distract me. I’m also terrified of sleep because I suffer from sleep paralysis and that makes ne stressed at when I’m trying to sleep. I refuse to go to sleep like a normal person who is healthy, I will not wake up paralyzed aware of my unmoving body ever again, and drinking myself to sleep has a 100% success rate in avoiding that.
When I act “normal” I have nightmares of getting stabbed again. When I go to sleep like a normie I wake up unable to move and trapped in a body I can’t control.
I want to just to be normal. To be able to lie down in bed and not be terrified in my inability to move or breathe feeling like I’m dying on the other end.
How do I fix this?
I take forever to fall asleep, lifelong insomnia. I hear on the making it worse part, but it bats 100 in terms of preventing it, which is my foundational priority.
I’ll loon into the therapy, in a month I’ll have health insurance that covers it, yay.
You are dead on though, I use substances to las out and bypass whatever it is that’s been giving me sleep paralysis since I can recall.