I drink too much. That’s a fact. I can’t sleep without chemicals, my insomnia and depression are facts. I just lie in bed replaying all my worst memories, same as when I’m awake but with nothing to distract me. I’m also terrified of sleep because I suffer from sleep paralysis and that makes ne stressed at when I’m trying to sleep. I refuse to go to sleep like a normal person who is healthy, I will not wake up paralyzed aware of my unmoving body ever again, and drinking myself to sleep has a 100% success rate in avoiding that.
When I act “normal” I have nightmares of getting stabbed again. When I go to sleep like a normie I wake up unable to move and trapped in a body I can’t control.
I want to just to be normal. To be able to lie down in bed and not be terrified in my inability to move or breathe feeling like I’m dying on the other end.
How do I fix this?
While no one really wants to hear this, and I preface this with I still struggle sometimes, but lots of therapy and venlafaxine (SNRI) is what did it for me. The medication got the endless, racing, intrusive thoughts and memories to slow down so I could sleep. Then the therapy did the rest. I’m off the meds now and just smoke a lot of weed, and drink a couple times a week still. Not perfect, but better. The pills made it hard for me to get off, so I opted to manage it myself once I’d had things under control for about a year.