I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

ok so first you choose your protection mafia

Aw man I wanted to see Ring and ADT go to war

Walter kills an innocent baby. The baby was born to a poor family and therefore was not susbscribed to any service. Walter, a baby murderer, goes unpunished.

I’d rather shop local and go with whatever street gang runs my block. You’re not going to get good or timely service with the faceless megacorp

So whatcha saying, as a responsible shareholder of this amazing adjudication, i’m free to drone strike ring shareholders?

This is how a small child would think about the world.

Lmao what’s with this assumption that Walter, a guy who is desperate enough to rob a woman who is under the protection of a private militia, has the kind of cash to hire his own private militia? Most libertarians make up some bullshit to skirt around the fact that the poor would be mega fucked under their ideal system, but here it’s just obvious subtext.

When ADT looks into Walter and finds out he has no security company, they’re not going to complete any investigation or pay for any arbitration, why bother spending money on that? They’ll just show up at his home, beat the shit out of him, steal everything he has, shoot his dog, and sell him into slavery. Honestly not unlike what we have now except there isn’t even a farcical trial or appeals system to maybe have some amount of recourse.

Literally just recreating the government, but fracturing it into a million different private entities that you have to separately subscribe to, rendering getting anything done completely impossible. The total yearly subscription costs you pay to simulate the government now exceed the lifetime taxes you would’ve paid under an actual state

90% of the economy of ancapistan is dedicated to lawyers, pr firms, arbiters, mediators, private militaries, and an army of actuaries endlessly calculating the risks associated with enforcing a particular property claim vs. the odds of winning a dispute with the client’s estate claimants? pretenders? usurpers? after denying their security coverage because enforcement is the expensive part and anyway i’m pretty sure this whole scheme just recreates the genocidal incentive structures inherent to settler-colonialism

Ohh!! Ohh!! Let me get Sam Seder in here.

Ok pause it. I own ADT and I’m not appreciating how often Amazing Adjucation rules against my customers- it’s killing my market share, the customers are all running to my competitors, who are all advertising double digit higher win rates compared to ADT, because they paid off their adjudicators. I’m a lot bigger than Ring and if Amazing Adjucation loses our contract they’ll probably go out of business. Sure this might encourage my customers to steal more, but so what? The more wealth they have, the more I get to charge to insure it. So I’m going to let Amazing Adjucation know they have an ultimatum, and if Ring and Ring customers don’t like it, they can deal with my much larger mercenary company.

At this point, ADT is essentially a piracy conglomeration. Is that your utopia?

So…what if ADT decides that instead of paying multiple other companies to deal with this, they just…don’t deal with it? They just file a report (or say they did) and continue taking money for “protection” despite doing nothing?

I guess this ancap’s response would be “Marie would just switch to a competitor” but what if she’s locked into a contract and can’t do that? She would be at best blacklisted and unable to hire any security firms due to being “unreliable” and at worst ADT would take the money owed by force. Who would she call to stop the security company? The security company security, who exist to protect people from security company overreach? What if they aren’t legit? It would just be security companies all the way down. Or you know, warlords, because that’s effectively what this is, just with a sleek corporate logo.

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

i love worldviews/systems based entirely on the false assumption that war is irrational/unprofitable, lol.

Remember that taxation is theft, but having to pay private protection companies in order to keep your property isn’t. It’s actually just the free market at work, snd therefore freedom