I’m honestly doing really good. This year’s been rough. Year 2 of family no contact, break up on my birthday earlier this year. But i still have a lot to be thankful for. My new partner is a leftist instead of a lib so we are more compatible. My ex didn’t like to cuddle so i was very touch deprived in my last relationship, that was hard.

It was tough losing all the shared friend group because she literally just changed overnight after some family trauma and moved back home to a conservative state. Being trans and already having been hate crimed, i didn’t feel safe to move there with her, but i got “punished” for it socially :|

My ex family, i miss them a little, but if they’re so shit they’re cutting me off just for being vegan like, good riddance. I always felt like i was the black sheep anyway, the fact that they cut me off so easily was just proof my feelings of alienation were right all along. It’s hard to struggle with missing people who were/are bad for you. My family was critical, judgemental, disrespectful, libs yet they could be kind to me and funny sometimes. I’m still somewhat in contact with my mom and it’s so fucking bananas how much she will do for her other children compared to me. When i got married, she and my sister left right after the ceremony to go shopping in my city rather than stay and hang out with me and my new wife, and my brother in law said he didn’t respect vegans. On my wedding day… because he came up with some gotcha about how vegans are okay with ethical cannibalism or some shit. And this was like 5 years ago, when i was more of a lib and wasn’t even forcing them to eat vegan at the wedding. Like i literally paid for their dead body food without complaint but then got criticized for eating plants in the same room, on my wedding day where i was marrying another vegan. Trash people lol. But still, it’s hard when your culture is like "here are the people who will always love you and have your back :) " and they’re behaving opposite of that. Complete mindfuck that i’m only just starting to heal from.

when the abuse or neglect is subtle, it’s harder to spot and heal from. It just feels like something is slightly wrong with you because everyone is treating you different. Meanwhile it’s easy to say the other more extreme trauma that happened to me was traumatizing and point out why.

Despite that, i’m doing good lol. Just a bit rough with all the holiday memories. Trying to just accept i did the best i could and let it all go and focus on how happy i am now not having to be around those people lol.

Failed a class, aka wasted $1k. No gf.

Still waiting for that letter from the NHS to arrive. So much anticipation. They haven’t attempted to phone again either. Still excited about the approaching closeness of my HRT. But also worried that the letter won’t arrive in time and I’ll miss my appointment and the NHS will decide I’m not being serious about transitioning and it’ll be waiting lists on waiting lists before I get another chance.

Still not found a job. It’s not like I was expecting all the hospitals to be falling over themselves to hire me when I got my degree, but I’m still a bit disheartened by how many labs I’ve applied to work in only to get the same canned rejection, like, a day later.

I left the one group chat I was in and gave up on the concept of having friends. It’s not just that screaming leftist malappropisms at people doesn’t work, that’s more a subset of the problem. When I do not put in 100% of the effort and make myself 100% available all the time and message people first, people stop talking to me. It’s not a two way street, they just don’t even bother. I am putting in all the effort, because I guess I need them way more than they need me.

But there’s also just no friendship or conversation if I do not give all possible ground to people. I understand that my special interests are improbably weird, even the really mundane ones, but it is like if I talk about them at all it’s an instant kill to any conversation. I have facilitated actually having “friends” by pretty much exclusively talking about whatever it is they wanna talk about, all the time every time. These people barely know anything about me as a result. It’s kind of infuriating.

So I had a fuckin meltdown and gave up, wrote a little rambling screed and left that group chat. I am now trying to devote more time to feeding my special interests, like making Sonic Adventure look/sound/play properly, recording cassette tape copies of stuff, multichannel audio and weirdo trans-sapphic books. Fuck trying to gut yourself and hiding your whole being for the sake of having “friends”.

That’s the worst part, though; I fell back into masking again. Like obviously if you wanna make friends, it helps to A) have similar interests, and B) give a little when it comes to interacting with theirs. But I just fell into the trap of totally eschewing stuff I like for the sake of other people. Honestly fuck talking lmao

Awful, my dog died on Christmas and I’m broke

At least my family is alive and well though, that’s more than a lot of people

Hey, love

I’m just waiting for some Vietnamese food to arrive. Otherwise? I’m doing a “Final Project” for a CPUSA education course on Marxism-Leninism; it’s about imperialism and “sub-imperialism” as well, which may be a controversial topic. I’m trying to find info on the Dominican Republic and Haiti as well since I’m from those parts and am studying up on Hispaniola while also brainstorming through my memories if I can recall anything important.

I may end up changing the topic of the longform essay, but we’ll see.

This is such a kind idea for a thread, thank you for making it ❤

I’m doing pretty fucking shit as usual now. There’s a genocide ongoing, work is actually now fucking miserable, I’m pretty much more isolated than I was over 10 years ago and for a first, I have a sense of being in genuine danger.

Three more years of this shit.

not great. i need to move out of here. im an hour away from the local commies and its suuuuuuucks. i cant fucking drive and i feel like such a loser. my partner dirves me everywhere and i feel like such a burden. if i could just DRIVE or lived in a walkable city my mental health would imporve so much.and honelsty yeah i CAN habg out with normal people, i can put on a mask and charm a room, plenty of people WANT to be my freind, but i just want freinds who i can be 1000% my self around the good and the bad and the annoying. i just want freind who will let me ramble about wierd niche shit, even they dont really care that much. i do that for normal people all the time!! thanks for all my hexbear buds for making me feel appreciated and letting me ramble about whatever without feeling judged whether it be Vietnamese politics or celebrity gossip, or internet drama, or fashion.

At 41, I’m starting to feel that mid-life anxiety about death. I’ve been trying to map out the books I want to read and some of the things I want to get done, and I’m already like five years out. Maybe learn Spanish or Mandarin. I started thinking “jfc I’ll be closer to 50 than 40 by the time I get to this”. It has me a bit down but at least it’s motivating me to eat healthier and exercise more so I can still read and do stuff as late in life as possible.

My kid just crawled today

Both still living grandparents died this year

Overwhelming compulsion to reconcile my stated values with my actions and get involved with shit in my city – hopeful I can make time for it in the new year

Might experiment more intentionally with gender expression soon

My father had a heart attack a week ago, so my Christmas was spent in an intensive care unit with him hooked up to beeping machines not being allowed to sit up or even lift his head from the pillow. It was… not great. That said, they did manage to clear up the blood clot without any scarring and he is home now without any permanent damage, so right now I’m about to head out to celebrate Christmas with the family. Right now I’m doing great. It’s just been a stressful week.

Decided to fly down to amerikkka from klanada for a change of scenery. Spending a week in KY with a dear friend. Definitely going to sample some moonshine. Happy to be somewhere different from home.

Removed by mod

Got dumped recently (last week), coped about it by doing a lot of drugs, realized that was a very bad idea, am better now <3